Time. Love.

Time

Why is it that the good times always end and the bad times always linger? Crushing passion and romance because those always end sooner or later. 

The fact of reality is that time has wings, and let me tell you they aren't the wings of a penguin. 

You can't catch time and keep it because if you try and make an appointment to convince him to slow down you'll only get a sticky note that says "tell him I'm flying". 

Time hurts and time never backs down So when dealing with it quit reeling and squeling and start kneeling and healing. 

Love. 

The floor is mine so let me preach. Love can teach and breach even the hardest souls and most broken hearts. Love is the same as hate, the feelings are just pointed in the wrong direction. But you see Love is funny. Sometimes love teams up with fate and then you somehow date that person you hate and all you did was say hi. Love is overrated when it's ends in just a goodbye and underrated when all you think about is the reflection in her eyes of the night sky. Those stars heal the scars from the past and all you want to do is make it last. Love is real because you feel and feeling is the only thing that truly gives life meaning. 

REMEMBER this.

I have been scared of writing this post from the beginning. I'm still scared. Out of my mind. Why the freak am I doing this. I don't know. But REMEMBER this. Remember the thoughts that go through  your head the next time you look at somebody. And then REMEMBER this. 

Addiction. If you have never been addicted to anything, let me paint you a picture.

Addiction comes with a web of lies coating your brain that filters everything that comes in and out. On the outside, you are the spider...In control. You manipulatively set hundreds of traps around you so that when people come near, they think nothing is wrong. On the inside, the thoughts that you once had that were good can barely even move to make an argument against what you are doing. 

Say goodbye to the innocent boy or girl you were 9 years ago. And say hello to the mannequin face that you will get so used to putting on display. 

This one's short, but definitely not sweet. A spoonful of sugar doesn't help the "medicine" go down because trust me, I've tried it. 

Be careful what you ingest. I've always envied the people where what you see is what you get. So I guess I'm just trying to become like them. 

Don't assume too much people. It's just a blog post. But I'm sick of people looking at me, and I knowing that what they are seeing is so far off. 

REMEMBER that this is real. It's very real.

BUT IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS BLOG POST

REMEMBER THIS.

People all have the same challenge, just in different ways. That challenge is what are we going to become after we get thrown through our own personal hell. 

Let me assure you of something. I pictured who I would be now when I was a kid. I had a map in my head of where I wanted to go, and I who I was going to be. 

I ended up taking a different route...

I stared at fire. I thought about fire. I played with fire. I walked through fire, and the weight of the ashes alone had me beat. I laid on the burning coals and felt my world melting around me, and I was convinced that my feet were too burned for me to stand up and try one last time to get out. Luckily, I had someone to crawl through the flames, find me underneath the pile of ashes, and haul me out of the flames on their back, even though I fought to drag them back down with me. He whispered a little something in my ear. 

"Become" 

I've shaken off the dust, I'm readjusting my tie, and I'm standing straight up looking back at the fire, and appreciating the heat that now keeps me burning with life. 

mom

To Mom:

I remember looking into your eye through the cam recorder lens. 

I remember cross dressing and putting red lip stick all over my face because I wanted to be like you. When you asked me what I was doing all I could say was "it's ok, I'm like you now". 

I remember when I understood the fact that your dad died when you were 11 and the life you had was ten times harder than the life you've given me. 

I remember when I learned that I would be with you for eternity. There is still nothing that makes me more happy than that thought. I remember the things on my pillow at the perfect times. The hugs when I was the perfect height and you could rest your head on top of mine and I felt like I was protected from everything. I'm sorry I've forgotten so many things, but I've always remembered that you are the most important person to me, and you always will be. 

Humanity Black Out

Humanity had almost disappeared 

We were ridiculed 

Blame ignorance

We wanted this gift

Surprise

People actually care

Those heroes of Humanity

Paris

To Paris, I thank you. I am forever changed.

I observe the world around me, noticing the simple pleasures and beautiful moments. My escape and my freedom. My worries and regrets flow out one ear and waves of crisp creative ideas flow in the other. My capacity for my own creativity is unlocked. I've burst through the shell that has been holding me back. This lock has been tightly holding back the doors to my creative paradise. You were the key, and I've found my sanctuary. 

Paris. You've simply brought feelings more intense than I've ever felt before. The blood boiling anger and resentment followed by the overwhelming new perspective on life. I see the stars as fireflies stuck in the big blueish black thing rather than gigantic balls of burning gas like my science teachers told me. 

I see the fire in peope's eyes. I see the pain of an empty conversation. I see what lies really do to people. I see why cries aren't always because of pain, but rather a call saying "I'm here". 

I see the reflection of the moon in the rearview mirror when I'm driving just to get away from the world. I see people's breathe in the heat of the day because of ice cold secrets they're holding at the bottom of their lungs. I see us and you and that guy over there differently. We and that guy are awesome. We and that guy have lives to live, and there isn't enough time to fit all of the good stuff in. 

I was blind, but now I see. Paris, because of you... I'm free.

Happy Birthday

My addiction has kept me up. I'm addicted to those eyes and the love songs that remind me of you. Each time I look into those eyes it's a battle. I look and I fall and fall and fall. I look and I go back to the days. Days of love notes. Days of a racing heart every time I went to hold your hand. I look into your eyes, and I'm lost. I gaze into the deep green lakes of your eyes, and it reminds me of the moment when I first saw you. The moments when you let me hold you. Every time I even glance into those eyes, my head rings with screams from my soul telling me to pour my heart out. 

There is only one thing stopping me. That tiny voice that silently pierces the screams in my head and stabs straight to my heart... "She doesn't care."

So you see. I can't look into your eyes. The world that I dive into from the slightest glance brings back those words. And I can't stand to hear it any longer. That's why I look away while we dance. That's why after I say hi to you in the hallway I stand still for a moment. I debate turning around to grab you and with all of my courage look you directly in the eyes and tell you the only words that ever makes sense to me these days. "I love you."

I build up enough courage. Today's the day I finally do it. Every time I'm about to take that first step towards you, those dreadful words slice my soul apart... "She doesn't care." 

I'm beaten. I thought I could endure the world for you. I could endure anything. Anything else but those words. I guess I just didn't expect the torture to come from you. I could endure anything, except the inevitable fact that you.don't.care.

The one flaw about your eyes. They don't see the broken, tormented state that I was in because of you. 

Never again will I look into those eyes. I'm going to rehab, and I'm never looking back. Green eyes are no longer my favorite. I think I'll try...blue. 

I almost forgot! I said I was addicted to the love songs that reminded me of you. For months, I've been making a playlist of all of the songs that remind me of you for your birthday. 132 songs. Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday, I deleted the playlist. 

-LV

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