Time. Love.

Time

Why is it that the good times always end and the bad times always linger? Crushing passion and romance because those always end sooner or later. 

The fact of reality is that time has wings, and let me tell you they aren't the wings of a penguin. 

You can't catch time and keep it because if you try and make an appointment to convince him to slow down you'll only get a sticky note that says "tell him I'm flying". 

Time hurts and time never backs down So when dealing with it quit reeling and squeling and start kneeling and healing. 

Love. 

The floor is mine so let me preach. Love can teach and breach even the hardest souls and most broken hearts. Love is the same as hate, the feelings are just pointed in the wrong direction. But you see Love is funny. Sometimes love teams up with fate and then you somehow date that person you hate and all you did was say hi. Love is overrated when it's ends in just a goodbye and underrated when all you think about is the reflection in her eyes of the night sky. Those stars heal the scars from the past and all you want to do is make it last. Love is real because you feel and feeling is the only thing that truly gives life meaning. 

REMEMBER this.

I have been scared of writing this post from the beginning. I'm still scared. Out of my mind. Why the freak am I doing this. I don't know. But REMEMBER this. Remember the thoughts that go through  your head the next time you look at somebody. And then REMEMBER this. 

Addiction. If you have never been addicted to anything, let me paint you a picture.

Addiction comes with a web of lies coating your brain that filters everything that comes in and out. On the outside, you are the spider...In control. You manipulatively set hundreds of traps around you so that when people come near, they think nothing is wrong. On the inside, the thoughts that you once had that were good can barely even move to make an argument against what you are doing. 

Say goodbye to the innocent boy or girl you were 9 years ago. And say hello to the mannequin face that you will get so used to putting on display. 

This one's short, but definitely not sweet. A spoonful of sugar doesn't help the "medicine" go down because trust me, I've tried it. 

Be careful what you ingest. I've always envied the people where what you see is what you get. So I guess I'm just trying to become like them. 

Don't assume too much people. It's just a blog post. But I'm sick of people looking at me, and I knowing that what they are seeing is so far off. 

REMEMBER that this is real. It's very real.

BUT IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS BLOG POST

REMEMBER THIS.

People all have the same challenge, just in different ways. That challenge is what are we going to become after we get thrown through our own personal hell. 

Let me assure you of something. I pictured who I would be now when I was a kid. I had a map in my head of where I wanted to go, and I who I was going to be. 

I ended up taking a different route...

I stared at fire. I thought about fire. I played with fire. I walked through fire, and the weight of the ashes alone had me beat. I laid on the burning coals and felt my world melting around me, and I was convinced that my feet were too burned for me to stand up and try one last time to get out. Luckily, I had someone to crawl through the flames, find me underneath the pile of ashes, and haul me out of the flames on their back, even though I fought to drag them back down with me. He whispered a little something in my ear. 

"Become" 

I've shaken off the dust, I'm readjusting my tie, and I'm standing straight up looking back at the fire, and appreciating the heat that now keeps me burning with life. 

mom

To Mom:

I remember looking into your eye through the cam recorder lens. 

I remember cross dressing and putting red lip stick all over my face because I wanted to be like you. When you asked me what I was doing all I could say was "it's ok, I'm like you now". 

I remember when I understood the fact that your dad died when you were 11 and the life you had was ten times harder than the life you've given me. 

I remember when I learned that I would be with you for eternity. There is still nothing that makes me more happy than that thought. I remember the things on my pillow at the perfect times. The hugs when I was the perfect height and you could rest your head on top of mine and I felt like I was protected from everything. I'm sorry I've forgotten so many things, but I've always remembered that you are the most important person to me, and you always will be. 

Humanity Black Out

Humanity had almost disappeared 

We were ridiculed 

Blame ignorance

We wanted this gift

Surprise

People actually care

Those heroes of Humanity

Paris

To Paris, I thank you. I am forever changed.

I observe the world around me, noticing the simple pleasures and beautiful moments. My escape and my freedom. My worries and regrets flow out one ear and waves of crisp creative ideas flow in the other. My capacity for my own creativity is unlocked. I've burst through the shell that has been holding me back. This lock has been tightly holding back the doors to my creative paradise. You were the key, and I've found my sanctuary. 

Paris. You've simply brought feelings more intense than I've ever felt before. The blood boiling anger and resentment followed by the overwhelming new perspective on life. I see the stars as fireflies stuck in the big blueish black thing rather than gigantic balls of burning gas like my science teachers told me. 

I see the fire in peope's eyes. I see the pain of an empty conversation. I see what lies really do to people. I see why cries aren't always because of pain, but rather a call saying "I'm here". 

I see the reflection of the moon in the rearview mirror when I'm driving just to get away from the world. I see people's breathe in the heat of the day because of ice cold secrets they're holding at the bottom of their lungs. I see us and you and that guy over there differently. We and that guy are awesome. We and that guy have lives to live, and there isn't enough time to fit all of the good stuff in. 

I was blind, but now I see. Paris, because of you... I'm free.

Happy Birthday

My addiction has kept me up. I'm addicted to those eyes and the love songs that remind me of you. Each time I look into those eyes it's a battle. I look and I fall and fall and fall. I look and I go back to the days. Days of love notes. Days of a racing heart every time I went to hold your hand. I look into your eyes, and I'm lost. I gaze into the deep green lakes of your eyes, and it reminds me of the moment when I first saw you. The moments when you let me hold you. Every time I even glance into those eyes, my head rings with screams from my soul telling me to pour my heart out. 

There is only one thing stopping me. That tiny voice that silently pierces the screams in my head and stabs straight to my heart... "She doesn't care."

So you see. I can't look into your eyes. The world that I dive into from the slightest glance brings back those words. And I can't stand to hear it any longer. That's why I look away while we dance. That's why after I say hi to you in the hallway I stand still for a moment. I debate turning around to grab you and with all of my courage look you directly in the eyes and tell you the only words that ever makes sense to me these days. "I love you."

I build up enough courage. Today's the day I finally do it. Every time I'm about to take that first step towards you, those dreadful words slice my soul apart... "She doesn't care." 

I'm beaten. I thought I could endure the world for you. I could endure anything. Anything else but those words. I guess I just didn't expect the torture to come from you. I could endure anything, except the inevitable fact that you.don't.care.

The one flaw about your eyes. They don't see the broken, tormented state that I was in because of you. 

Never again will I look into those eyes. I'm going to rehab, and I'm never looking back. Green eyes are no longer my favorite. I think I'll try...blue. 

I almost forgot! I said I was addicted to the love songs that reminded me of you. For months, I've been making a playlist of all of the songs that remind me of you for your birthday. 132 songs. Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday, I deleted the playlist. 

-LV

#moneymoney

I'll give $10 to anybody who comments on this post before midnight.

#risk

#richkid

#ihopeyouareallasleep

#iactuallyonlyhave5bucksrightnow

#imseriousthough

#bloggershouldstarthashtags

#creativewriting

#crapyouknowwhoiam

#thanksalotnelson

to the sinners and the skeptics

To the sinners and the skeptics.

Here is what they say.

Take something you know, and hold onto it forever and ever. Never change. You found happiness in this routine once. Just keep doing it and eventually you'll find happiness in it again. 

Can't you see the arrogance? Open your eyes. 

Can't you see that you have been forcing your eyes shut this entire time. If you only you could see the wrinkles forming around your eyes and on your forehead. You're a wreck. You've been fighting. Fighting against the inevitable, and can't you see the toll that it is taking on you?

Every one of you has the scars. If the strain doesn't show in your face then it shows in your heart. 

The sinners we are. Like helpless flies we're all trapped in the web of lies at some point. The scars come from trying to cut your way out, but you only end up cutting yourself in the process. Like the ocean waves, the only way you're going to make it out is if you just relax, and let the current pull you away... Even if you feel like you're drowning. 

To the skeptics, my heart aches for you. You are the ones who are hurt. The skeptics have been tossed around, beaten down, thrown aside. You're subconscious has learned to scream when the idea of something new comes. 

To you, I give you some advice. 

Change. 

change

CHānj/

verb

1. 1.

    To make or become different.

   
   

   To make different. Make it happen. 

   Become something. Become Someone. Be important. Be unique. Make it happen. 

   
   

   You can't become anything in life unless you MAKE it happen. 

   
   

   You're life is never going to change unless you make it happen.

   
   

   This one goes out to the sinners, and the skeptics. But most importantly. To myself. 

Revision of P.S. I hope you have red hair.

Dear the person that I will love with all of my heart someday,

I'm jealous of everything about you already. I'm jealous because somebody knows who you are, but I don't. I'm jealous of the air you breathe because just for a moment that air becomes a part of you. For a moment every breathe you take brushes close to your heart. The rush that must come from being that close to your heart. Someday, I'll feel that rush. I'm jealous of your family because I'm sure they're incredible and I don't know them. Yet. I'm jealous of the moments when maybe you think about me too. Oh I hope I'm living up to who you think I am. your thoughts are probably beautiful and perfect I'm jealous because they get to be your thoughts and I don't know them. I'm jealous because you probably tell someone what you are thinking, and that someone isn't me. You probably have a best friend, and I'm jealous of them. 

I'm jealous of your first kiss. for obvious reasons. 

This is a big one. I'm jealous of time. The time that has personally gotten to know you. The time you spend being who you are. All the time in the world that has been a part of you. I'm jealous, and I'm frustrated. I am frustrated. Waiting just to know you is impossible. I want you. I'm a child. I want you now and I can't have you. The only thing holding me all together is that fact that one day I will. One day. I'm jealous of that day. When I know you. When I see you for the first time. For that day, I will wait through anything. 

I love you. I don't even know you. Yet. 

How do I end this? From? Sincerely? 

Love? 

Definitely love. 

All the love that I have is waiting for you.

Love, the person that will love you with all of their heart

P.S. I hope you have red hair. 

Instructions

Instructions.

Look in the mirror.

I am strong. I will rise above. 

Eye contact is key. 

Freak dang you look good.

Make it great. 

Don't waste a second of your life.  

Fun. 

Love. 

Laugh.

"Working hard, it's just a part of life" -Craig Smith 

So work hard. Because Mr. Smith said so. 

Don't waste time. 

Remember.

I am strong. I will rise above. 

Lies.

I wrote this too myself a week ago...

 

Lying to myself is too easy. 

I don't even catch myself anymore.

 I've been lying to myself and now I'm just numb. 

The ice cold words that I've been telling you have numbed these lips. The ice slowly formed up into my head. then creeped down my back and down to my toes to the point where I feel. nothing. My hearts been desperately beating, working overtime to save me from this blizzard inside. 

Sorry to pull out a frozen reference. But basically I feel like elsa and ana at the same time. Ana being covered in ice from head to toe, and elsa not being able to control it and accidentally hurting people in the process. 

Too bad my life isn't a disney story. 

Cause love is just making it worse. 

First I was blind. Then I was arrogant. Desperate. Then strait up wrong. 

You know when ice cream melts and then refreezes? Well over and over again I feel like "love" is thawing me. The thrill of melting and feeling just for a moment is almost worth it. But then I just get thrown into the blizzard. Then I burn. 

I thought numb was bad. Now I'm beyond numb. I feel like a million tiny frozen ice crystals are stabbing me every time I move. The pain is insane.

I can now make one correction. The pain WAS insane.

Then you came back. 

Just so you know. Posting this is scary. But I am who I am. 

-LV

 

yay for sad chairs

The sad thing about this chair is that nobody ever sits on it. I just used it to take this picture, and that's the most use I've ever gotten out of it. 

Fine. I'll make that mean something now because even though I don't feel like talking about it, I secretly want to just pour my heart out onto this post. I don't care to talk about it. But oh how I love it. 

Sometimes I can't help but feel like some pawn in life that is being used for nothing more than being sat on. Not even that. Straight up ignored. I put that freaking chair together, and now I never use it.

Well you built me up. 

I just sit here. Ready and prepared to do anything in the world to make you happy. That's all I want. Is for you to be happy. For months I thought for hours on end about how these legs could help you. I just wanted to hold you up and make you feel important. Not only important, but the most important. You were my world, and I would have done anything for you.

You put all of this work into us. I became something because of you. I was strong. How could you walk past me day after day, and forget all of that. You made me. I was the best then. 

But...

All you are is a tool. 

You (un)screwed me over.

I'm dismantled. I'm worthless. If I can't hold you, then I have nothing.

I can't even hold myself anymore. 

I'm broken. 

yay for sad chairs, cause I am one. 

-LV

P.S. I hope you have red hair

Dear the person that I will love with all of my heart someday,

I'm jealous of everything about you already. I'm jealous because somebody knows who you are, but I don't. I'm jealous of the air you breathe because just for a moment that air becomes a part of you and that's more than I have right now. I'm jealous of your family because I'm sure they're incredible and I don't know them yet. I'm jealous of the moments when maybe you think about me too and you probably think I'm great and your thoughts are probably beautiful but I'm jealous because they get to be your thoughts and not mine. I'm jealous because you probably tell someone what you are thinking, and that someone isn't me. You probably have a best friend, and I'm jealous of them. I'm jealous of your first kiss and first relationship for obvious reasons. I'm jealous of time. The time that has personally gotten to know you. The time you spend being who you are. All the time in the world that has been a part of you. I'm jealous, and I'm frustrated. I'm jealous of the people you are with right now because they don't realize how lucky they are, and I just have to sit here and wait. 

I love you already, and I don't even know you. 

Love,

The person that will love you with all of their heart someday

P.S. I hope you have red hair. 

-LV

Today

Today is the day I don't look back, because I don't care anymore. I have nothing. No regrets, no attachments. It's just the future dragging me forward and I can't tell which direction I'm going because the funny thing about the future is you can't see where it's going to go. And I don't want to keep looking back at my past because the past I can see. I know the past and it knows who I have been. And the past keeps clingling to my ankles fighting against where I want the future to take me. The past is heavy. And it always will be. But my will for the future is just getting stronger. I know who I will be, and that's something the past will never have. And even though I'm scared about where this wild ride is going to take me, this little gift called the present keeps helping me feel ok. The present has been a part of it all. The present turns into the past and the present will become the future. 

That's what is real. That's what's right now. The present. Not the past, not the future. The present will see it all.

We're supposed to be real. What's more real than this exact moment. That second that just passed will never be as real as the second I'm living right now. 

Being real isn't the fact that life happens. Being real is the fact that life is happening RIGHT NOW.

Life happened to me. It was real. But what I do about it now is more real than all of the pain. All the failure. All the expectation. All the doubt. The worries. The disappointments. Regrets, grief, remorse, bitterness, anger, resentment, guilt. 

What I do in this moment is just another step closer to forgetting all of that. This moment and the next. And the next. Each moment of my life will be more real. The now moments are above it all. 

It's today.

Carpe diem. 

I'm going to seize it. 

-LV

if only you knew me

If only you knew all the times I wonder. 

All the times I wander. 

All the times I worry. 

The dark side of the moon huh.

I wonder if I'm like the moon. More importantly are other people like the moon? Do I realize that I can only see half of who people really are? I don't even know half of who I am...

I'm trying to figure out the half of me just like you. So here it goes.

If only you knew me.

I wonder if I'm trapped in this heavy gravitational pull for the rest of my life. One day I'll be free.

I wonder if I'll ever see the dark side of the moon in you or the dark side of the moon in me. 

I wonder about the people I don't know yet. Especially the people that I will love.

I wonder how God's plan really all went down. How this all really works. 

I wonder if I'll ever thank Him for putting a moon here. So thanks. 

I wonder who actually cares about me. Because I care. 

I wonder if I 'm ready. I know I'm not ready. 

If only you knew me . 

I'm just a wanderer. I float high in the air through life without even looking back to enjoy the view.

I wander because I'm scared that I will lose myself in something that will destroy me forever.

I wander aimlessly through my thoughts because I'm too lazy to pick a target to shoot. 

I wander instead of doing what's important. I'd rather watch netflix.

I wander to get some alone time. Just my thoughts and me. 

I wander through my past like it never happened.

I don't mean to wander. But I do.

If only you knew me.

My worries don't come out like I wish they would. They play dead then wait for the right moment.

My worries happen to be buried deep inside me. It's hard for me to see them coming.

 I'm worried. So I keep on burying them deeper and deeper. I'll dig up a few. 

I'm worried because when sirens sound she comes to my mind first.

I'm worried about her.  (calm down it's my mom)

I'm worried about if I've done enough. 

I know I haven't done enough.

If only you knew me.

If only you knew me. I want to know you. I want to know me, but getting to the dark side of the moon has proved to be an impossible task so far.

If you think you know me, then please. Tell me. 

If you figure out who you are or who I am, then please. Take me to the dark side with you.

-LV

Since when did cents or sense make sense?

Take me back to when life made sense. When cents was more important than sense and toy car crashes with my hot wheels seemed more real than real car crashes that actually kill people. Back to when I kissed chelsea behind the shed during recess in kindergarten. That makes sense. I would do it again in a heartbeat but they took recess away...

Take me back to when I could cry because I fell and it didn't even hurt that bad. I just wanted a hug. Falling and wanting to scream about it was all physical back then. But now I'm falling in every other way and I still want to scream just for the attention but I don't...

Take me back to when crushes didn't crush my heart. 

Take me back to when I wanted to be tall. Well now I'm big and tall, but I still feel like everyone looks down to me. I still can't reach. What, my potential? Well screw that. Everybody lives up to their potential when they are 4. 

 Back then making a few cents meant the world to me. But right now I can't make sense out of anything. It's hopeless. Now making cents means nothing and I just want some real, metal, solid, sense. 

Take me back. 

-LV

This makes no sense.

Space. Camp.

Right away great captain. 

Right away. Jump and time freezes. Teeth fighting against each other, jaw clenched. Eyes closed. Clarity and panic somehow coexist. Jump and nobody know's why, but I know. 

For the first time in my life...time has stopped. Wind is still exploding in my ears but time is no more. 

I'm not talking about jumping to fall. I don't fall. Gravity has no answer for me. I'm a mystery of modern science, cause I want to jump like all of these people that are killing themselves, but I have no intentions of going down. 

Life is too good to go down.

If the captain asks where I am... Tell him I'm flying. 

-LV

Do I fear LIFE or death?

It takes the same amount of time to go from life to death as it does to go from life to living. It's a choice. So maybe I'm dead already...

LIFE is real. Death. It's real. 

Death.

Death is part of life in more ways than we can even understand. All things come to an end.

Every second that passes becomes a dead second.

Every moment that happens ends, and then it's over. Forever.

Technology tries to revive it but it's not the same.

The memories can plead to take us back, but it's never the same. It's dead.

I can see why the thought of death is so hopeless. Death brings more despair than anything in this world. I mean, that's it. It's over. Right?

I'm glad I disagree.

LIFE.

The problem with life is that it takes a lot of effort to get something out of it. I might as well be dead if I'm not going to actually do anything about this annoying thing called life.

I think a reason why people fear life more than death is because once death happens, it doesn't seem real anymore. I know life is real. I feel it. I don't know death is real. Because I can't feel death. I can't feel dead. I don't want to know what it feels like to not feel anything.

So now I'm scared of life. Because I've realized that sometimes. I don't. feel. anything.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to be fake anymore...

I'm trying to be real and my mind still puts a filter on everything that I am trying to write down on this meaningless blog post. So I am going to write this entire post with my head down and my eyes closed and not let anything stop me from getting my ideas down on this one post. I want to be real, and watching the actual words as they show up is going to stop me from being real. I swear if I hear the three letters again I'm going to kill somebody. BYU. I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't be good enough for this world sometimes. Everything I've said to my parents, my friends, and even on this blog where nobody freaking knows who I am has been fake. I put on this image because maybe that's who I actually want to be, but it's not actually who I am. It's a burden that I know is there but I'm too scared to stop wearing this mask and holding this world above my head because I'm supposed to be superman. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be devoting my life to all the right things. I am supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be perfect. Everyone is supposed to look up to me. I 'm s up posed to be a leader. I make things happen, I make the right shoices I live the right way, I have everything going for me. BUT WHAT EVERYBODY DOESN'T GET IS THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I AM EVEN DOING ALL OF THIS. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT RIGHT? THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE ALREADY BEEN TOLD WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE? I DON'T BLAME ANYONE. I BLAME EVERYONE. THE NATURAL MAN IS AN ENEMY TO ME. THIS IS MY SNAPPING POINT. I'M SICK OF TRYING TO MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY AND TRYING TO INSPIRE YOU BECAUSE I'M STILL WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU'LL THINK OF ME ONCE YOU EVENTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULL CRAP. I'VE BEEN THE POSITIVE ONE FOR TOO. LONG. THE ONE THAT IS CONSTANT FOR TOO LONG. I'VE LIVED IN THIS PERFECT LIFE FOR TOO LONG AND I WANT SOMETHING REAL TO HAPPEN TO ME. Please make me different somehow. I'm the same as everyone else and I can't avoid it and I'm scared and I fear and I hope and I fail. I have to say that after I write all of this I know that I am going to go back to who I usually am. The person I usually am is fake. If the people that know me read this post they would be shocked. I know it. I'm finally to the point of not caring. I can't wait to leave and have a hard life and do hard things and actually devote my life to something that is meaningful. I haven't done anything to actually deserve happiness. I can't wait to fight for my joy. To earn it. 

Let's go to war! I want to fight for something real. There is nothing real to fight for my life right now. Not the girl. because she has commitment issues and hates labels and she can't stand the fact that people might even think about judging her for liking just one boy because apparently that's a great and terrible sin. I can't fight for my own freedom. I can't fight for what I want because everything I want is given to me. I can't fight for friends because apparently everyone loves me already. I can't fight. All I want to do is FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for my future. Here is something I can fight for. My future. My future life. My future wife. My future family. I guess I can fight now. To be better for the future. Because right now there is nothing. I can only hope that someday I will have earned something great. That someday I will deserve what I have. 

It's been real, and now I'm never going back. Sorry, I'm not going to be fake anymore...

-LVampa

Hope Knows NO Fear.

When I was supposed to write about bricks I wrote about fear. So now that I'm supposed to write about fear I'll write about hope.

In the eyes of fear hope never backs down. Hope wins in the staring contest every time. Hope fights and it fights for you.

Hope is the only reason why we are not engulfed by fear.

Fear is real but hope is reason. Hope is the reason to act. Hope is power. 

You may feel like fear knows you. controls you. and is empowering you to be less. But I am here to tell you today that

Hope knows no  fear. 

Fear has never given you the time of day so why in the world would you give it that time it so dedicatedly wants to TAKE OVER YOU. 

Fear can be your friend but hope will be your freedom. 

Fear will ignite your emotions and in that pinnacle moment YOU are the one left with the choice.

You can can choose to hope or choose to fear hope. You can choose fear even though you hate the fact that fear has chosen you. The choice is a hard one. 

Fear has power in the moment, but hope is power in life.