to the sinners and the skeptics

To the sinners and the skeptics.

Here is what they say.

Take something you know, and hold onto it forever and ever. Never change. You found happiness in this routine once. Just keep doing it and eventually you'll find happiness in it again. 

Can't you see the arrogance? Open your eyes. 

Can't you see that you have been forcing your eyes shut this entire time. If you only you could see the wrinkles forming around your eyes and on your forehead. You're a wreck. You've been fighting. Fighting against the inevitable, and can't you see the toll that it is taking on you?

Every one of you has the scars. If the strain doesn't show in your face then it shows in your heart. 

The sinners we are. Like helpless flies we're all trapped in the web of lies at some point. The scars come from trying to cut your way out, but you only end up cutting yourself in the process. Like the ocean waves, the only way you're going to make it out is if you just relax, and let the current pull you away... Even if you feel like you're drowning. 

To the skeptics, my heart aches for you. You are the ones who are hurt. The skeptics have been tossed around, beaten down, thrown aside. You're subconscious has learned to scream when the idea of something new comes. 

To you, I give you some advice. 

Change. 

change

CHānj/

verb

1. 1.

    To make or become different.

   
   

   To make different. Make it happen. 

   Become something. Become Someone. Be important. Be unique. Make it happen. 

   
   

   You can't become anything in life unless you MAKE it happen. 

   
   

   You're life is never going to change unless you make it happen.

   
   

   This one goes out to the sinners, and the skeptics. But most importantly. To myself. 

Revision of P.S. I hope you have red hair.

Dear the person that I will love with all of my heart someday,

I'm jealous of everything about you already. I'm jealous because somebody knows who you are, but I don't. I'm jealous of the air you breathe because just for a moment that air becomes a part of you. For a moment every breathe you take brushes close to your heart. The rush that must come from being that close to your heart. Someday, I'll feel that rush. I'm jealous of your family because I'm sure they're incredible and I don't know them. Yet. I'm jealous of the moments when maybe you think about me too. Oh I hope I'm living up to who you think I am. your thoughts are probably beautiful and perfect I'm jealous because they get to be your thoughts and I don't know them. I'm jealous because you probably tell someone what you are thinking, and that someone isn't me. You probably have a best friend, and I'm jealous of them. 

I'm jealous of your first kiss. for obvious reasons. 

This is a big one. I'm jealous of time. The time that has personally gotten to know you. The time you spend being who you are. All the time in the world that has been a part of you. I'm jealous, and I'm frustrated. I am frustrated. Waiting just to know you is impossible. I want you. I'm a child. I want you now and I can't have you. The only thing holding me all together is that fact that one day I will. One day. I'm jealous of that day. When I know you. When I see you for the first time. For that day, I will wait through anything. 

I love you. I don't even know you. Yet. 

How do I end this? From? Sincerely? 

Love? 

Definitely love. 

All the love that I have is waiting for you.

Love, the person that will love you with all of their heart

P.S. I hope you have red hair. 

Instructions

Instructions.

Look in the mirror.

I am strong. I will rise above. 

Eye contact is key. 

Freak dang you look good.

Make it great. 

Don't waste a second of your life.  

Fun. 

Love. 

Laugh.

"Working hard, it's just a part of life" -Craig Smith 

So work hard. Because Mr. Smith said so. 

Don't waste time. 

Remember.

I am strong. I will rise above. 

Lies.

I wrote this too myself a week ago...

 

Lying to myself is too easy. 

I don't even catch myself anymore.

 I've been lying to myself and now I'm just numb. 

The ice cold words that I've been telling you have numbed these lips. The ice slowly formed up into my head. then creeped down my back and down to my toes to the point where I feel. nothing. My hearts been desperately beating, working overtime to save me from this blizzard inside. 

Sorry to pull out a frozen reference. But basically I feel like elsa and ana at the same time. Ana being covered in ice from head to toe, and elsa not being able to control it and accidentally hurting people in the process. 

Too bad my life isn't a disney story. 

Cause love is just making it worse. 

First I was blind. Then I was arrogant. Desperate. Then strait up wrong. 

You know when ice cream melts and then refreezes? Well over and over again I feel like "love" is thawing me. The thrill of melting and feeling just for a moment is almost worth it. But then I just get thrown into the blizzard. Then I burn. 

I thought numb was bad. Now I'm beyond numb. I feel like a million tiny frozen ice crystals are stabbing me every time I move. The pain is insane.

I can now make one correction. The pain WAS insane.

Then you came back. 

Just so you know. Posting this is scary. But I am who I am. 

-LV

 

yay for sad chairs

The sad thing about this chair is that nobody ever sits on it. I just used it to take this picture, and that's the most use I've ever gotten out of it. 

Fine. I'll make that mean something now because even though I don't feel like talking about it, I secretly want to just pour my heart out onto this post. I don't care to talk about it. But oh how I love it. 

Sometimes I can't help but feel like some pawn in life that is being used for nothing more than being sat on. Not even that. Straight up ignored. I put that freaking chair together, and now I never use it.

Well you built me up. 

I just sit here. Ready and prepared to do anything in the world to make you happy. That's all I want. Is for you to be happy. For months I thought for hours on end about how these legs could help you. I just wanted to hold you up and make you feel important. Not only important, but the most important. You were my world, and I would have done anything for you.

You put all of this work into us. I became something because of you. I was strong. How could you walk past me day after day, and forget all of that. You made me. I was the best then. 

But...

All you are is a tool. 

You (un)screwed me over.

I'm dismantled. I'm worthless. If I can't hold you, then I have nothing.

I can't even hold myself anymore. 

I'm broken. 

yay for sad chairs, cause I am one. 

-LV

P.S. I hope you have red hair

Dear the person that I will love with all of my heart someday,

I'm jealous of everything about you already. I'm jealous because somebody knows who you are, but I don't. I'm jealous of the air you breathe because just for a moment that air becomes a part of you and that's more than I have right now. I'm jealous of your family because I'm sure they're incredible and I don't know them yet. I'm jealous of the moments when maybe you think about me too and you probably think I'm great and your thoughts are probably beautiful but I'm jealous because they get to be your thoughts and not mine. I'm jealous because you probably tell someone what you are thinking, and that someone isn't me. You probably have a best friend, and I'm jealous of them. I'm jealous of your first kiss and first relationship for obvious reasons. I'm jealous of time. The time that has personally gotten to know you. The time you spend being who you are. All the time in the world that has been a part of you. I'm jealous, and I'm frustrated. I'm jealous of the people you are with right now because they don't realize how lucky they are, and I just have to sit here and wait. 

I love you already, and I don't even know you. 

Love,

The person that will love you with all of their heart someday

P.S. I hope you have red hair. 

-LV

Today

Today is the day I don't look back, because I don't care anymore. I have nothing. No regrets, no attachments. It's just the future dragging me forward and I can't tell which direction I'm going because the funny thing about the future is you can't see where it's going to go. And I don't want to keep looking back at my past because the past I can see. I know the past and it knows who I have been. And the past keeps clingling to my ankles fighting against where I want the future to take me. The past is heavy. And it always will be. But my will for the future is just getting stronger. I know who I will be, and that's something the past will never have. And even though I'm scared about where this wild ride is going to take me, this little gift called the present keeps helping me feel ok. The present has been a part of it all. The present turns into the past and the present will become the future. 

That's what is real. That's what's right now. The present. Not the past, not the future. The present will see it all.

We're supposed to be real. What's more real than this exact moment. That second that just passed will never be as real as the second I'm living right now. 

Being real isn't the fact that life happens. Being real is the fact that life is happening RIGHT NOW.

Life happened to me. It was real. But what I do about it now is more real than all of the pain. All the failure. All the expectation. All the doubt. The worries. The disappointments. Regrets, grief, remorse, bitterness, anger, resentment, guilt. 

What I do in this moment is just another step closer to forgetting all of that. This moment and the next. And the next. Each moment of my life will be more real. The now moments are above it all. 

It's today.

Carpe diem. 

I'm going to seize it. 

-LV