Happy Birthday

My addiction has kept me up. I'm addicted to those eyes and the love songs that remind me of you. Each time I look into those eyes it's a battle. I look and I fall and fall and fall. I look and I go back to the days. Days of love notes. Days of a racing heart every time I went to hold your hand. I look into your eyes, and I'm lost. I gaze into the deep green lakes of your eyes, and it reminds me of the moment when I first saw you. The moments when you let me hold you. Every time I even glance into those eyes, my head rings with screams from my soul telling me to pour my heart out. 

There is only one thing stopping me. That tiny voice that silently pierces the screams in my head and stabs straight to my heart... "She doesn't care."

So you see. I can't look into your eyes. The world that I dive into from the slightest glance brings back those words. And I can't stand to hear it any longer. That's why I look away while we dance. That's why after I say hi to you in the hallway I stand still for a moment. I debate turning around to grab you and with all of my courage look you directly in the eyes and tell you the only words that ever makes sense to me these days. "I love you."

I build up enough courage. Today's the day I finally do it. Every time I'm about to take that first step towards you, those dreadful words slice my soul apart... "She doesn't care." 

I'm beaten. I thought I could endure the world for you. I could endure anything. Anything else but those words. I guess I just didn't expect the torture to come from you. I could endure anything, except the inevitable fact that you.don't.care.

The one flaw about your eyes. They don't see the broken, tormented state that I was in because of you. 

Never again will I look into those eyes. I'm going to rehab, and I'm never looking back. Green eyes are no longer my favorite. I think I'll try...blue. 

I almost forgot! I said I was addicted to the love songs that reminded me of you. For months, I've been making a playlist of all of the songs that remind me of you for your birthday. 132 songs. Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday, I deleted the playlist. 

-LV