Today

Today is the day I don't look back, because I don't care anymore. I have nothing. No regrets, no attachments. It's just the future dragging me forward and I can't tell which direction I'm going because the funny thing about the future is you can't see where it's going to go. And I don't want to keep looking back at my past because the past I can see. I know the past and it knows who I have been. And the past keeps clingling to my ankles fighting against where I want the future to take me. The past is heavy. And it always will be. But my will for the future is just getting stronger. I know who I will be, and that's something the past will never have. And even though I'm scared about where this wild ride is going to take me, this little gift called the present keeps helping me feel ok. The present has been a part of it all. The present turns into the past and the present will become the future. 

That's what is real. That's what's right now. The present. Not the past, not the future. The present will see it all.

We're supposed to be real. What's more real than this exact moment. That second that just passed will never be as real as the second I'm living right now. 

Being real isn't the fact that life happens. Being real is the fact that life is happening RIGHT NOW.

Life happened to me. It was real. But what I do about it now is more real than all of the pain. All the failure. All the expectation. All the doubt. The worries. The disappointments. Regrets, grief, remorse, bitterness, anger, resentment, guilt. 

What I do in this moment is just another step closer to forgetting all of that. This moment and the next. And the next. Each moment of my life will be more real. The now moments are above it all. 

It's today.

Carpe diem. 

I'm going to seize it. 

-LV

if only you knew me

If only you knew all the times I wonder. 

All the times I wander. 

All the times I worry. 

The dark side of the moon huh.

I wonder if I'm like the moon. More importantly are other people like the moon? Do I realize that I can only see half of who people really are? I don't even know half of who I am...

I'm trying to figure out the half of me just like you. So here it goes.

If only you knew me.

I wonder if I'm trapped in this heavy gravitational pull for the rest of my life. One day I'll be free.

I wonder if I'll ever see the dark side of the moon in you or the dark side of the moon in me. 

I wonder about the people I don't know yet. Especially the people that I will love.

I wonder how God's plan really all went down. How this all really works. 

I wonder if I'll ever thank Him for putting a moon here. So thanks. 

I wonder who actually cares about me. Because I care. 

I wonder if I 'm ready. I know I'm not ready. 

If only you knew me . 

I'm just a wanderer. I float high in the air through life without even looking back to enjoy the view.

I wander because I'm scared that I will lose myself in something that will destroy me forever.

I wander aimlessly through my thoughts because I'm too lazy to pick a target to shoot. 

I wander instead of doing what's important. I'd rather watch netflix.

I wander to get some alone time. Just my thoughts and me. 

I wander through my past like it never happened.

I don't mean to wander. But I do.

If only you knew me.

My worries don't come out like I wish they would. They play dead then wait for the right moment.

My worries happen to be buried deep inside me. It's hard for me to see them coming.

 I'm worried. So I keep on burying them deeper and deeper. I'll dig up a few. 

I'm worried because when sirens sound she comes to my mind first.

I'm worried about her.  (calm down it's my mom)

I'm worried about if I've done enough. 

I know I haven't done enough.

If only you knew me.

If only you knew me. I want to know you. I want to know me, but getting to the dark side of the moon has proved to be an impossible task so far.

If you think you know me, then please. Tell me. 

If you figure out who you are or who I am, then please. Take me to the dark side with you.

-LV

Since when did cents or sense make sense?

Take me back to when life made sense. When cents was more important than sense and toy car crashes with my hot wheels seemed more real than real car crashes that actually kill people. Back to when I kissed chelsea behind the shed during recess in kindergarten. That makes sense. I would do it again in a heartbeat but they took recess away...

Take me back to when I could cry because I fell and it didn't even hurt that bad. I just wanted a hug. Falling and wanting to scream about it was all physical back then. But now I'm falling in every other way and I still want to scream just for the attention but I don't...

Take me back to when crushes didn't crush my heart. 

Take me back to when I wanted to be tall. Well now I'm big and tall, but I still feel like everyone looks down to me. I still can't reach. What, my potential? Well screw that. Everybody lives up to their potential when they are 4. 

 Back then making a few cents meant the world to me. But right now I can't make sense out of anything. It's hopeless. Now making cents means nothing and I just want some real, metal, solid, sense. 

Take me back. 

-LV

This makes no sense.

Space. Camp.

Right away great captain. 

Right away. Jump and time freezes. Teeth fighting against each other, jaw clenched. Eyes closed. Clarity and panic somehow coexist. Jump and nobody know's why, but I know. 

For the first time in my life...time has stopped. Wind is still exploding in my ears but time is no more. 

I'm not talking about jumping to fall. I don't fall. Gravity has no answer for me. I'm a mystery of modern science, cause I want to jump like all of these people that are killing themselves, but I have no intentions of going down. 

Life is too good to go down.

If the captain asks where I am... Tell him I'm flying. 

-LV

Do I fear LIFE or death?

It takes the same amount of time to go from life to death as it does to go from life to living. It's a choice. So maybe I'm dead already...

LIFE is real. Death. It's real. 

Death.

Death is part of life in more ways than we can even understand. All things come to an end.

Every second that passes becomes a dead second.

Every moment that happens ends, and then it's over. Forever.

Technology tries to revive it but it's not the same.

The memories can plead to take us back, but it's never the same. It's dead.

I can see why the thought of death is so hopeless. Death brings more despair than anything in this world. I mean, that's it. It's over. Right?

I'm glad I disagree.

LIFE.

The problem with life is that it takes a lot of effort to get something out of it. I might as well be dead if I'm not going to actually do anything about this annoying thing called life.

I think a reason why people fear life more than death is because once death happens, it doesn't seem real anymore. I know life is real. I feel it. I don't know death is real. Because I can't feel death. I can't feel dead. I don't want to know what it feels like to not feel anything.

So now I'm scared of life. Because I've realized that sometimes. I don't. feel. anything.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to be fake anymore...

I'm trying to be real and my mind still puts a filter on everything that I am trying to write down on this meaningless blog post. So I am going to write this entire post with my head down and my eyes closed and not let anything stop me from getting my ideas down on this one post. I want to be real, and watching the actual words as they show up is going to stop me from being real. I swear if I hear the three letters again I'm going to kill somebody. BYU. I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't be good enough for this world sometimes. Everything I've said to my parents, my friends, and even on this blog where nobody freaking knows who I am has been fake. I put on this image because maybe that's who I actually want to be, but it's not actually who I am. It's a burden that I know is there but I'm too scared to stop wearing this mask and holding this world above my head because I'm supposed to be superman. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be devoting my life to all the right things. I am supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be perfect. Everyone is supposed to look up to me. I 'm s up posed to be a leader. I make things happen, I make the right shoices I live the right way, I have everything going for me. BUT WHAT EVERYBODY DOESN'T GET IS THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I AM EVEN DOING ALL OF THIS. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT RIGHT? THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE ALREADY BEEN TOLD WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE? I DON'T BLAME ANYONE. I BLAME EVERYONE. THE NATURAL MAN IS AN ENEMY TO ME. THIS IS MY SNAPPING POINT. I'M SICK OF TRYING TO MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY AND TRYING TO INSPIRE YOU BECAUSE I'M STILL WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU'LL THINK OF ME ONCE YOU EVENTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULL CRAP. I'VE BEEN THE POSITIVE ONE FOR TOO. LONG. THE ONE THAT IS CONSTANT FOR TOO LONG. I'VE LIVED IN THIS PERFECT LIFE FOR TOO LONG AND I WANT SOMETHING REAL TO HAPPEN TO ME. Please make me different somehow. I'm the same as everyone else and I can't avoid it and I'm scared and I fear and I hope and I fail. I have to say that after I write all of this I know that I am going to go back to who I usually am. The person I usually am is fake. If the people that know me read this post they would be shocked. I know it. I'm finally to the point of not caring. I can't wait to leave and have a hard life and do hard things and actually devote my life to something that is meaningful. I haven't done anything to actually deserve happiness. I can't wait to fight for my joy. To earn it. 

Let's go to war! I want to fight for something real. There is nothing real to fight for my life right now. Not the girl. because she has commitment issues and hates labels and she can't stand the fact that people might even think about judging her for liking just one boy because apparently that's a great and terrible sin. I can't fight for my own freedom. I can't fight for what I want because everything I want is given to me. I can't fight for friends because apparently everyone loves me already. I can't fight. All I want to do is FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for my future. Here is something I can fight for. My future. My future life. My future wife. My future family. I guess I can fight now. To be better for the future. Because right now there is nothing. I can only hope that someday I will have earned something great. That someday I will deserve what I have. 

It's been real, and now I'm never going back. Sorry, I'm not going to be fake anymore...

-LVampa

Hope Knows NO Fear.

When I was supposed to write about bricks I wrote about fear. So now that I'm supposed to write about fear I'll write about hope.

In the eyes of fear hope never backs down. Hope wins in the staring contest every time. Hope fights and it fights for you.

Hope is the only reason why we are not engulfed by fear.

Fear is real but hope is reason. Hope is the reason to act. Hope is power. 

You may feel like fear knows you. controls you. and is empowering you to be less. But I am here to tell you today that

Hope knows no  fear. 

Fear has never given you the time of day so why in the world would you give it that time it so dedicatedly wants to TAKE OVER YOU. 

Fear can be your friend but hope will be your freedom. 

Fear will ignite your emotions and in that pinnacle moment YOU are the one left with the choice.

You can can choose to hope or choose to fear hope. You can choose fear even though you hate the fact that fear has chosen you. The choice is a hard one. 

Fear has power in the moment, but hope is power in life.