I'm trying to be real and my mind still puts a filter on everything that I am trying to write down on this meaningless blog post. So I am going to write this entire post with my head down and my eyes closed and not let anything stop me from getting my ideas down on this one post. I want to be real, and watching the actual words as they show up is going to stop me from being real. I swear if I hear the three letters again I'm going to kill somebody. BYU. I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't be good enough for this world sometimes. Everything I've said to my parents, my friends, and even on this blog where nobody freaking knows who I am has been fake. I put on this image because maybe that's who I actually want to be, but it's not actually who I am. It's a burden that I know is there but I'm too scared to stop wearing this mask and holding this world above my head because I'm supposed to be superman. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be devoting my life to all the right things. I am supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be perfect. Everyone is supposed to look up to me. I 'm s up posed to be a leader. I make things happen, I make the right shoices I live the right way, I have everything going for me. BUT WHAT EVERYBODY DOESN'T GET IS THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I AM EVEN DOING ALL OF THIS. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT RIGHT? THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'VE ALREADY BEEN TOLD WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE? I DON'T BLAME ANYONE. I BLAME EVERYONE. THE NATURAL MAN IS AN ENEMY TO ME. THIS IS MY SNAPPING POINT. I'M SICK OF TRYING TO MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY AND TRYING TO INSPIRE YOU BECAUSE I'M STILL WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU'LL THINK OF ME ONCE YOU EVENTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULL CRAP. I'VE BEEN THE POSITIVE ONE FOR TOO. LONG. THE ONE THAT IS CONSTANT FOR TOO LONG. I'VE LIVED IN THIS PERFECT LIFE FOR TOO LONG AND I WANT SOMETHING REAL TO HAPPEN TO ME. Please make me different somehow. I'm the same as everyone else and I can't avoid it and I'm scared and I fear and I hope and I fail. I have to say that after I write all of this I know that I am going to go back to who I usually am. The person I usually am is fake. If the people that know me read this post they would be shocked. I know it. I'm finally to the point of not caring. I can't wait to leave and have a hard life and do hard things and actually devote my life to something that is meaningful. I haven't done anything to actually deserve happiness. I can't wait to fight for my joy. To earn it.
Let's go to war! I want to fight for something real. There is nothing real to fight for my life right now. Not the girl. because she has commitment issues and hates labels and she can't stand the fact that people might even think about judging her for liking just one boy because apparently that's a great and terrible sin. I can't fight for my own freedom. I can't fight for what I want because everything I want is given to me. I can't fight for friends because apparently everyone loves me already. I can't fight. All I want to do is FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for my future. Here is something I can fight for. My future. My future life. My future wife. My future family. I guess I can fight now. To be better for the future. Because right now there is nothing. I can only hope that someday I will have earned something great. That someday I will deserve what I have.
It's been real, and now I'm never going back. Sorry, I'm not going to be fake anymore...
-LVampa
This inspired me. Even though I struggled to read the red text against the background.
ReplyDeleteHe wrote about byu. He wrote about byu. Preach on brother.
I loved how you kept repeating yourself and you misspelled some stuff just trying to get everything out.
I could picture you not looking at the screen when you typed and that's real.
I agree, this is so real, so honest, and just amazing. Way to let your true self show. That's inspiring. The real stuff is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteNice and inspiring.
ReplyDelete